rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
