Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
