And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
