ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
