Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
