i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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