Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
