Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
