don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
