ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
