so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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