i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Drunk is not a location!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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