I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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