Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
