I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
