Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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