ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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