its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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