Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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