Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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