i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
