I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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