You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
