ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
