i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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