Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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