The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
