If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
