Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I cannot find my penis.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
