he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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