I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
