I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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