My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
