You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
