I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
