He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
