I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
