I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
