i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
