my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
