awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
