Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
