I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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