I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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