I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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