Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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