dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
