I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
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