I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
