You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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