bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We need to get me chipped asap
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
